I've read so many different articles about the incurred expense of children, but the focus is on things like formula, diapers, and college tuition. Well, let's just be honest here: some of our nation's youth just ain't goin' to college. And that's not necessarily a bad thing; those parents can retire earlier.
Some costs that seem to have gone unnoticed (or purposely ignored?) are items like our sanity, our social lives, our waistline, and various personal affects that would not come under scrutiny if they weren't subjected to Toddler Hands. So today I would like to discuss the real cost of having children:
1. I opted to nurse Ella. Initially this seemed like a great idea. 4 months after the fact? Not so much. I love it for its convenience, ease, and health benefits to both of us. But clearly the health benefits for her also come in a can of formula, and I'm not sure the convenience part outweighs the reality that some (...Ella's grandmother...) avoid holding her because she cries. The obvious implication here is that she cries BECAUSE she's a breastfed baby. Not because she's just a baby, but a breastfed one. Idiocy to you and I; mere rationalization to others.
2. Piggybacking off of the whole nursing thing is my social life. Where, oh where, has my social life gone? That's what I mean right there--that came out in a nursery rhyme sing-songy voice. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm 30 years old, so I'm not stupid enough to believe I would still be a welcome fixture at dance clubs or even some bars. Nor am I irresponsible enough to want to spend the majority of my time there. When I say social life, I am simply referring to the opportunity to be with people my height with whom I can have conversations that do not include topics such as Lucky Charms cereal, episodes of Thomas the Train, or the possibility of soiling one's self. All I want is a few hours to myself to draft my fantasy football team, see a movie with a friend, or go to dinner (preferably by myself) at a nice restaurant that frowns upon bringing kids. Is that too much to ask???? It is if you talk to my husband; according to him, Ella cannot be away from me any longer than 2-3 hours. Therefore, my social life is dramatically curbed, so says he.
3. With no social life, you would think I'd be saving some serious cash. Nope. Not the case. In fact, I have been FORCED to spend my money on things I don't even want to buy. For instance, at this time last year, I found myself going 70 mph on Rt. 28 only to burst through the doors of Best Buy with tears streaming down my face, screaming, "He ruined my laptop!" He refers to my then 1-year-old son. We were enjoying a nice breakfast, and the next thing I knew, my laptop was bathing in orange juice. I lost my mind, jumping all around the house to find a flash drive in an effort to save that important stuff: everything I needed for work, family pictures, legal documents--you know, "important stuff." I walked out of Best Buy $1,000 poorer with a laptop that, under other circumstances, I probably would have left on the shelf. Never mind the fact that it was my dumb fault for putting my computer on the breakfast table. But that's just it: I'm suddenly a moron.
4. I've read articles and talked to other moms about something called "baby brain." In short, it goes something like this: When pregnant, your brain cells go to the baby. You are, as a result, dumb. When the baby is born, you're sleep deprived, paranoid, and frantic a good part of the day, so it just makes sense that, combined with the affects of baby brain, you're even dumber. Now, not all moms fall victim to this unfortunate series of events. I did. I'm a real asshole these days. I can never find my keys, I forget my kids' appointments (thank GOD for the day-before-reminder-call from the doctor's office!), and I look a hot mess every day. My husband must come home from work, take one look at me, and want to run for his life. But alas, he enters the homestead, helps me look for my keys, and then ignores me as I talk about my day. I guess even the love of my life can't stand to hear my incoherent grumblings any more. Sigh.
5. I used to have abs. I mean, I had nice abs. And I needed them to offset the jiggly-ness of my thighs and the robustness of my ass. Those abs are gone. My waist is no longer a waist, but a lump that sits on my fat hips and makes me want to cry when I bend over and see all the excess skin. Some women are like, "That's a beautiful thing--your belly carried a baby." Other women are like, "Shut the hell up." I want my abs back. I know it's possible with a little exercise, but I'll be damned if I can muster up the energy or time to work out. We have a fitness center in our basement, why don't I use it? Because if and when I have an opportunity to go down there, I would rather sleep. I haven't slept an entire night since the middle of my pregnancy, so we're going on 8 months. I'm tired, people. I have bags under my eyes and my hair is falling out. My skin is sallow, my attitude is bad, and some days, I'm so out of it I forget to brush my teeth. So no, I don't have time to work out right now. Lay off.
In sum, these costs are way more substantial than the monetary expense associated with having and rearing children. I'm not complaining (.....) about them, I am simply stating facts. I have been working on my Masters degree for 5 years, but I keep having babies and now that degree is on the back burner. I only need 3 more classes, I can do it, but just the thought of adding one more thing to my proverbial plate makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a rusty spoon.
Suffice it to say: I'm losing it. Between $300 vet visits for my dog who has allergies and requires special medicine (are you freaking kidding me?!), the need to wear a bra 24/7 unless I want to enter an impromptu wet t-shirt contest, my inability to accomplish everything (anything, really) I need to in a short span of 24 hours, and the sad fact that my physical appearance and continued education will probably never be a priority again, I am withering away. The only thing that keeps me going some days is that morning cup of coffee. And my coffee machine just broke, so I think that's God's way of saying wine at 7 am is A-OK with Him.*
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*Disclaimer: the above rant is but an exaggerated form of expression. I love my life and my children, yet find comfort and satisfaction in complaining about them via writing. If you're going to call CYS on me, at least let me know so I can clean up before they get here.
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